Divorced
But Still Living Together
By
Lori Rubenstein, JD, CPC
Divorce Mediator and Life Coach
©
2009
My husband
and I divorced 6 months ago. But we are still living together because
neither of us can afford to move out from our home. It's the one marital
asset that we are hanging on to since we can't sell it and make enough
to pay off our sizable mortgage.
We've had
many financial setbacks this year. I'm currently looking for work having
been downsized from a previous position in the financial services industry
and his job is on shaky ground at best. Due to finances, we're still together,
yet we want to be apart. We have 2 kids who are pre-teens. Things are
tense, we still argue and now I think we even have more resentment of
each other because of being with each other and feeling trapped.
We want
to move on with our lives. I want to go out and start dating again. We
were separated for a year before the official divorce but still living
together then as well.
How can
we move on with our lives when we're both still very much in each other's
lives? I know he wants to date as much as I do, but it really isn't possible
since we're all still in the same home. Try explaining that to someone
you might want to date.
How can
we create a better atmosphere between us and our kids when we're all still
in this together? And what do you think about dating? I need to move on.
I want to be in a relationship. I don't know how to do that given these
circumstances. Any thoughts?
Rachel
from Reston
Dear Rachel,
Honestly,
you are not in a position to date. You are right, it would be too confusing
for all family members involved, and your primary goal right now is to
find a job.
I'm hearing
you are looking to date to help you move on. Moving on is an inside job.
This is a great opportunity for you to make sure you are ready to date.
That is, have you taken responsibility for your part in the break up of
the marriage, have you forgiven both him and yourself, are YOU the best
person you can possibly be given the situation?
Do you believe
everything happens for a reason? Looking at the big picture, you are in
this tough financial situation, having to stay dependent on your ex-husband.
Why do you think that is? Can you ask on a spiritual level what it is
you need to know or learn from this situation? How can you be even more
loving on a regular basis? How can you be an even better Mom? Focus on
these things and everything else - including dating and moving out on
your own - will fall into place.
Best
to you
Lori
Rubenstein
www.LoveAdviceCoach.com
928-634-0252
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